She’s Back! Our SecretSurro is back with another entry:

“Do I have my PIO and needles?  Yes, alright.  Phone charger, check.  Meds? Yes, wait do I have spare PIO?? Spare alcohol swabs. Book for the plane.  I CANNOT forget the PIO.”

For some reason, my brain has translated the pre-transfer jitters into an overwhelming fear I’m going to forget something important for the trip.  Realistically aside from my uterus, there’s very few things that I HAVE to bring with me for transfer that I can’t buy or replace en route.  My brain has decided to therefore focus on the medication in my protocol that is most difficult to source, necessary every single day, and that requires many components to administer.  My progesterone in oil doesn’t require remembering just the medication itself, you need the delivery mechanism, the antiseptic swabs, and a plan for sharps disposal.  There’s a lot of items I can do without for a quick 48 hour transfer trip, but my PIO isn’t one of them. 

I’ve figured out where this compulsive checking comes from.  Basically, instead of my brain consciously fretting about all those thoughts in the back of my head that I’m trying to ignore (“What if transfer fails again?  I can’t stand disappointing my IPs again.  What if it takes but then something goes wrong??), my brain is fretting about packing lists and alcohol swabs.

Because truth be told it really is impossible to quiet those thoughts completely.  It is possible to simultaneously be choosing hope and optimism, and yet still be battling the shadows of doubt that lurk in the back of your head.  My Intended Parents and I are choosing to see all of the things working out and lining up for us this transfer, but of course there are apprehensions too.  I’m thankful there are ways to combat those shadow thoughts, and store up the good ones instead.  I say a prayer, and I give thanks for this opportunity, whatever may come.  I pick up my phone and I text my Intended Mom about being paranoid I’m forgetting something.

Then I grab that spare PIO vial and toss it in my bag.  Hope.  Optimism.  Ready.

Thank you SecretSurro!! We can’t wait to hear how your transfer goes!!!